The Need to Please and It's Utter Failure

The need to please. Something almost all of us are guilty of. Why? Well, it breaks down like this: The need to please indicates a lack of self-love, and we will do or trade anything to get something that looks or feels like that self love… Whether it’s compromising your integrity or saying, ”I'm fine” so as not to make a scene, it is all just an attempt to find love.

So, what’s the problem with this need to please?  Isn’t it better to put other's feeling and wellbeing first? Why shouldn’t we want to please others, especially people we care about? Isn't it “better to give than to receive?” 

Well, it all depends on who is giving and who is receiving. A saying comes to mind, ”If your well is empty, who will drink?”

It is not the please part of the equation that’s the problem, it’s the need that gets in the way. 

With this need comes attachment, and it is with attachment that inevitably comes suffering. Yes I know it sounds a little Yoda-ish. Regardless of the Star Wars cliché, need causes suffering. Need is all about the past and future - trying to hold onto or attach to past events or feelings, or projecting into the future, and oftentimes suffering over it. For example, trying to keep that love you received because you pleased her (or him) in the past and make that a constant... Typically this is what people are doing when they complain: "Our relationship (sex, romance, etc.) is not how it used to be!" Suffering instead of recognizing whatever is actually present and NOW!

However, change is the only true constant. Once you're attached to a singular thing, it has changed. When a person is truly in the moment, truly present, need and suffering fall away. But as soon as we become attached to that thing, even that recent event when you felt loved or appreciated but needed it because you didn't know how or couldn't give it to yourself, that need and attachment takes you out of the present. The attachment to that moment and the way you felt and wanting to re-create that feeling or experience, that is need and that's where suffering lives.

To simplify all of that spiritual mumbo jumbo I've created a portmanteau phrase from Buddha and Spok: "All things are transitory in an infinitely expanding universe."

Now it's clear, the need to please doesn't really work. Especially not when it comes to love...

Acting out the need to please is you trying to replace the love you don't feel for yourself with their love. But because you do not feel or believe you are actually lovable, you will be unable to receive their love. You will reject it, both subconsciously and consciously and eventually will only attract people who take you for granted or abuse you in some form or fashion.

What do you concede, what important aspect of yourself are you sacrificing in order to please others?

Is it worth it? 

The real question is... How important is your happiness?

Something to think about.

Sifu Marcus Lovemore
with contributions by Katie Strand

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Show Archives:

• GBN episode: 16 Ask Sifu Marcus Attraction, Non-attachment vs. Indifference, & Why Women Like Assholes
  
• GBN episode # 15 Ask Sifu Marcus Forgiveness & Purpose Fixing People
  
• GBN episode #14 - Ask Sifu Marcus Why vs. What & How?
  
• GBN episode #13 - The Secret to Always Making The Right Decision… Listening to Yourself!
  
• GBN episode #11 - Purpose & Joy: Sustaining Fulfillment
  
• GBN episode #10 - Rest & Recovery: The Secret to True Excellence
  
• GBN episode #9 - The Key to Wealth, Love, & Happiness
  
• GBN episode #8: The Lovemore Workout
  
• GBN episdode #7 - The Real Truth About Fitness with guest J.J. Flizanes
  
• GBN Episode #6 - Live with Satyen Raja
  
• GBN episopde #4 - Detoxification & Purification
  
• GBN episode #3 - Polarity Part #2: The Art of Attraction:
  
• GBN episode #2 - Polarity Part#1 - The Art of Attraction
  
• GBN episode #1 - Superior Memory, Listening, and Learning:

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Qi Gong Grounding for the Holidays - How Not to Take On Negative Energy

The holidays can be an extremely difficult time. There are a lot of expectations and old baggage. Usually we revisit old memories and take on way too much emotional responsibility without a second thought. This can affect your level of joy and taint this special time. There is a simple and very ancient solution to this most common part of the human experience…Qi Gong.

But first, a short description about the “Qi” in Qi Gong, or sometimes-spelled “Chi” which translates to energy or breath. Because it is this energy that is important, how it is managed, transferred, cultivated and where it comes from.

There are many forms of energy, but the kind I am referring to here is the internal kind, the type that moves through all things specifically the type that invigorates life. The Chinese call this life energy “Qi.” And Qi Gong is a process of working with this energy.

In Chinese medicine, for the purposes here, there are two types of this Qi energy, finite and infinite. The finite Qi is what everyone is born with, you have just a certain amount of it and when it runs out you die. The infinite Qi is the energy that runs through the universe and connects you with something larger like the planet, nature, or something like love. This energy is never ending and continually recycles and purifies itself, you, and what it runs through.

So the trick is to use infinite Qi as often possible.

This is where Qi Gong comes in. With the proper Qi Gong practice you can become sensitive to the differences between infinite and finite Qi and how to use them and when.

So what does this have to do with your holidays? Well, it is the way that you handle energy, Qi, your energy and everybody else’s. It is this way that you are handling energy that really determines the quality of your experiences, good, bad, connective, or not.

Generally what gets in your way of having good, connective experiences is either giving indiscriminately of your finite energy or holding on to the unwanted energy of others. This either burns you out or just runs you into the ground. The solution is to use a different type of energy in a different way... Infinite Qi.

Using and cultivating infinite Qi solves both problems in one fell swoop. Why? Because one: infinite Qi only invigorates and never drains you and is by definition never ending. Two: infinite Qi is rejuvenating and purifying because it is never stagnant and always flowing and expanding; that never ending thing again. This eternal flow creates a circuit with you and the universe grounding you into that circuit. Making it so that no singular thing can disconnect you other than YOU. All you have to do is plug in.

The Qi Gong allows you to give as much as you want without spending yourself, and because of the essential flow, any energy you don’t want moves through you and does not attach. Not your mom’s criticism, your dad’s judgment, your sibling’s jealousy, or any other energy you could do without.

The Grounding Qi Gong:

• Stand with your feet flat on the ground, hip to shoulder length apart
• Slight bend in knees
• Tail bone pointed into the ground and hips rotated under you
• Lower back and spine straight
• Shoulders relaxed
• Hands naturally at your side
• Head pointed forward to the horizon
• Tongue at the top of your pallet as if you are saying the letter “L”
• Belly breathing through the nose
• Best done without shoes on earth, sand, or grass
• Eyes closed
• Relax

Visualization:
With each breath inhale and imagine and feel the breath go in your nose, down your front, into you belly, down your legs, through the bottom of your feet into the ground. Then on the exhale breath reverse up out of the ground, into your feet, up your legs, into your belly, up your throat out your nose again. Remember to keep you breath slow and smooth like ocean waves. Never hold your breath.

This Qi Gong is designed to be done for at least 5 min. a day and up to 4 hours. One should always be patient and relaxed.

This can especially be done during the holidays right before the anticipation of stressful situations. Ideally the visualization will become a habit and it will become your normal breathing style no matter what is going on.
Have Fun!

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Then pay if forward. Help my Scholarship Students and allows me to create more of my Free Programs and Shows by now donating. Any amount is greatly appreciated.

Thank You,
Sifu Marcus Lovemore