The Need to Please and It's Utter Failure

The need to please. Something almost all of us are guilty of. Why? Well, it breaks down like this: The need to please indicates a lack of self-love, and we will do or trade anything to get something that looks or feels like that self love… Whether it’s compromising your integrity or saying, ”I'm fine” so as not to make a scene, it is all just an attempt to find love.

So, what’s the problem with this need to please?  Isn’t it better to put other's feeling and wellbeing first? Why shouldn’t we want to please others, especially people we care about? Isn't it “better to give than to receive?” 

Well, it all depends on who is giving and who is receiving. A saying comes to mind, ”If your well is empty, who will drink?”

It is not the please part of the equation that’s the problem, it’s the need that gets in the way. 

With this need comes attachment, and it is with attachment that inevitably comes suffering. Yes I know it sounds a little Yoda-ish. Regardless of the Star Wars cliché, need causes suffering. Need is all about the past and future - trying to hold onto or attach to past events or feelings, or projecting into the future, and oftentimes suffering over it. For example, trying to keep that love you received because you pleased her (or him) in the past and make that a constant... Typically this is what people are doing when they complain: "Our relationship (sex, romance, etc.) is not how it used to be!" Suffering instead of recognizing whatever is actually present and NOW!

However, change is the only true constant. Once you're attached to a singular thing, it has changed. When a person is truly in the moment, truly present, need and suffering fall away. But as soon as we become attached to that thing, even that recent event when you felt loved or appreciated but needed it because you didn't know how or couldn't give it to yourself, that need and attachment takes you out of the present. The attachment to that moment and the way you felt and wanting to re-create that feeling or experience, that is need and that's where suffering lives.

To simplify all of that spiritual mumbo jumbo I've created a portmanteau phrase from Buddha and Spok: "All things are transitory in an infinitely expanding universe."

Now it's clear, the need to please doesn't really work. Especially not when it comes to love...

Acting out the need to please is you trying to replace the love you don't feel for yourself with their love. But because you do not feel or believe you are actually lovable, you will be unable to receive their love. You will reject it, both subconsciously and consciously and eventually will only attract people who take you for granted or abuse you in some form or fashion.

What do you concede, what important aspect of yourself are you sacrificing in order to please others?

Is it worth it? 

The real question is... How important is your happiness?

Something to think about.

Sifu Marcus Lovemore
with contributions by Katie Strand

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Get Better Now!... Living Mastery
Show Archives:

• GBN episode: 16 Ask Sifu Marcus Attraction, Non-attachment vs. Indifference, & Why Women Like Assholes
  
• GBN episode # 15 Ask Sifu Marcus Forgiveness & Purpose Fixing People
  
• GBN episode #14 - Ask Sifu Marcus Why vs. What & How?
  
• GBN episode #13 - The Secret to Always Making The Right Decision… Listening to Yourself!
  
• GBN episode #11 - Purpose & Joy: Sustaining Fulfillment
  
• GBN episode #10 - Rest & Recovery: The Secret to True Excellence
  
• GBN episode #9 - The Key to Wealth, Love, & Happiness
  
• GBN episode #8: The Lovemore Workout
  
• GBN episdode #7 - The Real Truth About Fitness with guest J.J. Flizanes
  
• GBN Episode #6 - Live with Satyen Raja
  
• GBN episopde #4 - Detoxification & Purification
  
• GBN episode #3 - Polarity Part #2: The Art of Attraction:
  
• GBN episode #2 - Polarity Part#1 - The Art of Attraction
  
• GBN episode #1 - Superior Memory, Listening, and Learning:

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GBN episode #13 - The Secret to Always Making The Right Decision… Listening to Yourself!

GBN episode #13
The Secret to Always Making The Right Decision… Listening to Yourself!

Listen, click here:

Show Decsciption:

What if you always knew the right decision and there was certainty to all your choices? Have you ever wondered why bad things happen and how to avoid them? Is there such a thing as fate? Or why are some people lucky? Well you will find out the answers to all of these questions and a little bit more in the next Get Better Now show. In this episode you will unravel the secret meaning of that little voice in your head and more importantly, learn the difference between the good and the bad voice. So listen to the next Get Better Now!... Living Mastery and get rid of your confusion.

Want the code to put this episode on your website, blog or just download for Podcast? Click Here!

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Direction, Goals, and Hitting A Bulls-Eye with Your Life

Direction, Goals,
and
Hitting A Bulls-Eye
with
Your Life

One of the most common question I get is, "Sifu, How do I make what I want happen?" Well... What I usually say is, "It's much harder to hit your target, much less the bulls-eye, if you have no idea where that target is." And like usual the reply is,"Huh?"

Ok, it's like this... Let's assume you kinda know what you want, and if you don't, take a look at my post: 'Writing Down Your Goals and Getting Want You Want...' So, from there, just for a moment let's imagine your goal is a target, a target for you life. This target can be big, small, inconsequential, or very important, but a target none the less. And just like everyone else all you want is to get somewhere near this target and if you are lucky every once in a while you hit the bulls-eye. But that just doesn't seem to happen very often, hitting the bulls-eye or even the target most of the time.

So the question arises,"What's up? All that energy and planning and I'm nowhere nearer to my target!" Then generally everyone starts blaming the target, or the darts, or even the concept of making a target in the first place. You come to the conclusion that it's all shit, and useless, right?

No...

The problem I usually see is, with how most people hit the target, NOT the target itself. And let me tell you I'm just as guilty of this as anyone. This is what is usually going on... We all have some sort of target, far away, close, big, or small, whatever... A target. But here's the rub, We are under the illusion that we kinda know where the target is or if we look at it every once in a while we can hit it. Think about this... If you actually tried this in the real world...

Imagine you're in a bar playing darts and you see the dart board on the wall, you aim once, look away, and start throwing. Would you hit any bulls-eyes? Would you even get anywhere near the dart board? Well, maybe the first shot would, but what about the fiftieth? Whoa! Your friends better take cover. And if we take this little story even further, instead of just taking one look at the dart board, you close your eyes and say,"God... if it was meant to be, let this once be the one. Guide my hand with my eyes closed. I trust you. So pleease let me make this one!" And then you let it fly... WITH YOUR FUCKING EYES CLOSED! But the insanity is, that when you open your eyes and you've hit nowhere near the board you're actually disappointed with the outcome.

This is when the blaming starts, and you start saying to yourself, "There must be something wrong with my darts!"- "The target is in the wrong place."- "I'm too far away."- "It's too far away."- "I didn't really try." -"Something was in my way"- " I suck! I can't do this! I'll never be able to do this."

The crazy part is for fuck's sake all you would have to do is open your fucking eyes and aim!

This is what I find most of us are doing and why most of us feel we are having a hard time getting what we want and attaining our goals. All we have to do is keep our eyes on the target and we will naturally land somewhere around the bulls-eye eventually. But keep in mind, just like darts, the more you practice everyday the faster you will easily hit your mark.

It's about keeping your eyes open and consistency, not intensity.

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Sifu Marcus Lovemore

Guidance vs Choice

Guidance
vs
Choice

We all get guidance… we are receptors of data, feelings, hunches, and intuition. It’s great when we know something. Most of us have been working to trust this guidance… trust our higher self. Some people literary hear this guidance and for others… it is much more subtle.

The question then becomes -- is our higher self always right?

Yes and no.

It is right, now - in this moment, but depending on your choices from that moment on, the outcome can change.

You have the choice to do whatever you want, guidance or not. We all receive guidance in order to make a choice. Guidance is not LAW; it is guidance… there to direct us… the guidance is the pathway not the destination or outcome. Guidance is not GOD; it is you expressing God. Guidance is also relative to the question that was asked… when we ask a different question, we get a different answer. In fact, most of us sabotage ourselves by asking loaded questions that are sometimes negative and set up for disappointment or to reinforce our judgment of self. Like if you asked your higher self, "Will I get raise at work?" And the immediate answer is "No." A common reaction can be, “See my life sucks, I never get what I want, and nothing ever works out!”

But, what if you just started this job a week ago? Of course you are not going to get a raise right this moment. But does this mean you will never get a raise? Should quit because there is no future there?

No, absolutely not. It just means you are not going to get a raise RIGHT NOW. If you ask, "How can I a get a raise a soon as possible?" or “What needs to happen for me to get a raise in two weeks?”… you would get a whole lot of different answers.

This is how we manipulates our higher self and set our selves up to fail… by asking loaded questions that the answers reinforce the status quo and confirms our own self-doubt.

The key here is how you ask the question… less "yes or no" and more "how to questions". But at the end of the day, it is our choices that decide our future and nothing else.

It is not Guidance vs. Choice… it is Guidance and Choice.

There are no absolutes, all things change. What is true today can be false tomorrow; it depends on the current choice.

Remember nothing is impossible in an infinite Universe. If you want it, you can have it. The only question is: who are you willing to BE to get it?

“Be, Do, Have…” is a favorite mantra here at Unreasonable Happiness .

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Then pay it forward. Help my Scholarship Students with there tuition and allow me to create more of my Free Programs and Shows for everyone. How? Check out my Gift Shop and pick up an inspirational T-shirt, mug, or button, or just click blow to just Donate, any amount is greatly appreciated and it all goes to a good cause.

Help out take a look.

Thank You,
Sifu Marcus Lovemore