The need to please. Something almost all of us are guilty of. Why? Well, it breaks down like this: The need to please indicates a lack of self-love, and we will do or trade anything to get something that looks or feels like that self love… Whether it’s compromising your integrity or saying, ”I'm fine” so as not to make a scene, it is all just an attempt to find love.
So, what’s the problem with this need to please? Isn’t it better to put other's feeling and wellbeing first? Why shouldn’t we want to please others, especially people we care about? Isn't it “better to give than to receive?”
Well, it all depends on who is giving and who is receiving. A saying comes to mind, ”If your well is empty, who will drink?”
It is not the please part of the equation that’s the problem, it’s the need that gets in the way.
With this need comes attachment, and it is with attachment that inevitably comes suffering. Yes I know it sounds a little Yoda-ish. Regardless of the Star Wars cliché, need causes suffering. Need is all about the past and future - trying to hold onto or attach to past events or feelings, or projecting into the future, and oftentimes suffering over it. For example, trying to keep that love you received because you pleased her (or him) in the past and make that a constant... Typically this is what people are doing when they complain: "Our relationship (sex, romance, etc.) is not how it used to be!" Suffering instead of recognizing whatever is actually present and NOW!
However, change is the only true constant. Once you're attached to a singular thing, it has changed. When a person is truly in the moment, truly present, need and suffering fall away. But as soon as we become attached to that thing, even that recent event when you felt loved or appreciated but needed it because you didn't know how or couldn't give it to yourself, that need and attachment takes you out of the present. The attachment to that moment and the way you felt and wanting to re-create that feeling or experience, that is need and that's where suffering lives.
To simplify all of that spiritual mumbo jumbo I've created a portmanteau phrase from Buddha and Spok: "All things are transitory in an infinitely expanding universe."
With this need comes attachment, and it is with attachment that inevitably comes suffering. Yes I know it sounds a little Yoda-ish. Regardless of the Star Wars cliché, need causes suffering. Need is all about the past and future - trying to hold onto or attach to past events or feelings, or projecting into the future, and oftentimes suffering over it. For example, trying to keep that love you received because you pleased her (or him) in the past and make that a constant... Typically this is what people are doing when they complain: "Our relationship (sex, romance, etc.) is not how it used to be!" Suffering instead of recognizing whatever is actually present and NOW!
However, change is the only true constant. Once you're attached to a singular thing, it has changed. When a person is truly in the moment, truly present, need and suffering fall away. But as soon as we become attached to that thing, even that recent event when you felt loved or appreciated but needed it because you didn't know how or couldn't give it to yourself, that need and attachment takes you out of the present. The attachment to that moment and the way you felt and wanting to re-create that feeling or experience, that is need and that's where suffering lives.
To simplify all of that spiritual mumbo jumbo I've created a portmanteau phrase from Buddha and Spok: "All things are transitory in an infinitely expanding universe."
Now it's clear, the need to please doesn't really work. Especially not when it comes to love...
Acting out the need to please is you trying to replace the love you don't feel for yourself with their love. But because you do not feel or believe you are actually lovable, you will be unable to receive their love. You will reject it, both subconsciously and consciously and eventually will only attract people who take you for granted or abuse you in some form or fashion.
Acting out the need to please is you trying to replace the love you don't feel for yourself with their love. But because you do not feel or believe you are actually lovable, you will be unable to receive their love. You will reject it, both subconsciously and consciously and eventually will only attract people who take you for granted or abuse you in some form or fashion.
Is it worth it?
The real question is... How important is your happiness?
Something to think about.
Sifu Marcus Lovemore
with contributions by Katie Strand
with contributions by Katie Strand
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Sifu Marcus Lovemore
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